bigtips

Does keeping sperm donor away deny child their origin?

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone

Hello there, MTM,

I had to write, because my partner and I have such strong feelings about your latest column topic--sperm donation. I felt like I knew the man you were writing about in the April 7 column-hopefully you disguised the name and some details of his life.'

I felt badly for him-instructed to go away, and take his money with him.2 I'm not surprised that he felt slapped, and reacted. What if you conceived a son in this way and your son eventually understood that you had forbidden his father to have any relationship with him or give him any money, for school, as an inheritance—simply because his father was a male?4 Discrimination is not a belief system you want to be credited with teaching to your offspring.

My partner is a social worker at a local agency that removes children from abusive or neglecting homes and tries to find better

homes for them every day. She, and the other warriors down at the county Children and Family Services, want to know why you reject the possibility of providing a home for one of her kids. 5 Lesbians will trek to the pound to get "rescued" dogs or mutts, and are famous for taking in stray cats. But not human babies? Is it because

you believe you are not eligible to adopt? Not true-the rules are changing.

My partner has a saying: “You put it on the planet you take care of it. " Children have the right to know who the other biological parent is. I know that my male parent had some conscious thought that lasted more than three minutes about me and I also know what races and nationalities I am on both sides, and what diseases I am at risk for.

My partner wants to know why you want to deny a valuable human right to your child, that of knowing her or his male parent. In this age of disclosure of facts to adopted children, you are going back in the closet. She also wants to know why in the world you would consider limiting the male parent's monetary contributions to the child. This is something the child deserves.

What about the male biological grandparents? Maybe they would like a grandchild, maybe they would have something valuable to offer. If my son donated my genetic material in a blind donor situation. I would really grieve the lost relationship with my grandchild—particularly if the parents were lesbians! What a loss that would be, all around.

I am an energy healer and I can tell you that as soon as you enter into a co-generative relationship with anyone, no matter how brief or boundaried, you have entered into a soul contract that will endure many lifetimes. And I don't mean the motherschild relationship only, I mean with the other biological parent also.

So, I'm glad that you're taking your time and thinking a lot about it. I work with survivors of parental neglect/abuse, foster care, institutional care and adoption. They suffer the effects of "attachment disorder" right until they are done living or achieve a therapeutic breakthrough. They start looking for their missing parents, male or female, as soon as they get the chance. It's like salmon heading back upstream—they need to know.

Consider adoption. Consider work with children. Get some good counseling.

Then, after some self-examination with an objective trained counselor, go ahead and parent in some way-with an open heart and some trust in the process. Be in relation-

ship with all the parents and grandparents involved expand your world and come out in a whole new way!

April 21, 2000

SMYTHECRAMERCOLD-

WELLBANKERHACKETTA

NDARNOLDCENTURY21

SMYTHECRAMERCOLD-

WELLBANKERHACKETTA

NDARNOLDCENTURY21

SMYTHECRAMERCOLD-

WELLBANKERHACKETTA NDARNOLDCENTURY21 SMYTHECRAMERCOLD-

GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE 11

Counselor With the Facts

WELLBANKERHACKETTA NDARNOLDCENTURY21 SMYTHECRAMERCOLDWELLBANKERHACKETTA NDARNOLDCENTURY21

•

SMYTHECRAMERCOLD-

Dear Not-So-Secret Sharer,

1. I always change the names and identifying details of people I mention in this column, except for those of my long-suffering girlfriend and personal pals.

2. There are a few ways to keep a donor relationship clear from the start.

One of them is to not have sex with the donor. Another is to pay the donor.

The clearest is to have a legal contract drawn up that specifies the intentions and desires of the donor and recipient at the

outset.

These actions (or lack thereof) indicate to future observers that, in our specific case, we had no intention of coming after child support, and he had better not decide later

BIG TIPS

that lesbians are unfit parents and come after our kid. The point is, we don't have any right to his money. I wouldn't ask someone for a kidney and then expect a portion of their (other) earthly possessions.

3. Ejaculation is not what makes someone a father. (No matter what your health teacher told you.)

4. I actually had more than enough tongue-incheek offers from woman

friends to donate. (If that had been possible, I probably would have liked the honor.) Sperm donors, historically, have been male. I don't want our donor taking the kid for Thanksgiving because he's not a part of our family, not because he's a guy.

5. See my last column in which I reveal the fact that adoption was, and continues to be, a parenting option for my partner and

me.

6. There's an obvious difference between someone who has sex with someone, then denies paternity or responsibility for the consequences of both of their actions, and someone who agrees to facilitate another couple's parenthood.

All of the issues you bring up describe why finding a donor whose desires match ours is difficult. Some couples want to create a family relationship with the donor. Some female couples decide to parent with male couples.

One of the reasons we're interested in a "real" donor (vs. a banked donor) is that we'd like to know him. One guy we considered said his mom would have to know, and she'd have to be able to see the baby. We said "Great," because he was a friend and we trusted him.

It would be great to have a donor who was willing to have a relationship with the child, but we're not looking for another adult family member, unless it organically evolves that way.

I think the need for a very clear legal document became all the more apparent when this guy went from "I'm not interested in being a parent" to "I want custody if you both die" within a few weeks. What would have happened by the time the pup was born? "I get the kid every even-numbered year?"

P.S. About the counseling and working with kids? Done it and doing it: Next year I'll hit you up when cookie time rolls around.

Burning questions? Contact me at the Chronicle, attention Big Tips, P.O. Box 5426. Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216-631-1052, or e-mail to martone(adrizzle.com

WELLBANKERHACKETTA NDARNOLDCENTURY21

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